Beware Of The Darkness
I woke up this morning and decided to go for coffee. I knocked over the cup and after cleaning up the mess, I noticed the stain on my shirt. It comes with Parkinson's and it happens on a regular basis.
There are times I laugh about it. There are times I shrug it off. There are times I freak out and obsess about it. Today I threw out the shirt.
I took it as a good sign in what has been a strange week.
If you have Parkinson's, you know the mental and emotional stuff is as challenging as the physical stuff. The last three years have made me an emotional mess. I can't believe the things that make me cry (see t-shirt in above photo).
Last weekend I attended a kickoff for a Parkinson's charity event. Usually it's uplifting and I feel pretty good when it's over. Not this time.
There was a demonstration for a boxing exercise program and the presenter choked up a few times while talking about it. So did I. I told you, us Parkies get emotional.
I followed that up by talking with a woman who was doing a research study which involved putting electrodes on your head to measure your brain waves. I thought it might be a good idea to get involved in this. That's what I get for thinking. It's usually a bad idea. A week later I haven't followed-up with her.
When I left the event, I was fine. After thinking it over on the way home, not so fine. See...thinking doesn't work for me.
Normally when I get into this kind of funk, I'm better the next day. At most, it's two or three days. Here's where it gets interesting.
Welcome to Suicide Prevention month. I'm feeling like shit and I'm bombarded with Facebook postings about suicide. I followed this up by having lunch with a friend whose sister committed suicide. Good choice...although I didn't realize I was doing that at the time. I left the lunch thinking it wasn't such a bad idea. See what I mean about thinking? Good thing I have a therapist. Oh yeah....she was sick this week.
Now if you're reading this and you actually know me, RELAX. I'm not doing anything harmful. You don't have to call or write. I'm okay...sorta.
Here's the thing about depression, sadness, darkness whatever you want to call it. It affects every part of your life.
You don't want to go out. Sitting in a corner with a blanket sounds good. It affects your appetite. You don't want to eat and when you do you're eating junk. While writing this I've binged on popcorn and potato chips. OY!!
Depression kills your sex drive. Of course, after this it's doubtful I'll find anyone who wants to participate in that activity, so it's all good.
And yet I'm lucky. I do have a therapist and I'm aware enough to know when I need to talk to her. Apparently this is one of those times.
Be aware! Look for warning signs! Get help when you need it. You don't have to be alone! It sounds cliched but it's true.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going out for ice cream. It does help.
After writing this I may have to reevaluate my decision to end therapy. Here's how you make that decision.
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