Have I Become A Keep Off My Lawn Guy?
Every neighborhood has them. You all know who I'm talking about. The guy who is always yelling at the local kids to get off his grass. He doesn't like dogs on the lawn either. Yeah, we all hate that guy!
I remember my first one...Irwin Karabush (sorry if any Karabush heirs are reading this, but hi). He was our across the sidewalk neighbor in Skokie. I can still picture him leaning out of his townhouse bedroom window to yell at anyone who would walk on his little square of grass. It was almost 60 years ago when this happened but I still remember thinking that I never want to be a dick like that. Pretty advanced thinking for a five year old.
A few years later we moved to the other side of Skokie...two blocks away. There was another one of these guys on this block, too. I remember the day he told me and a friend to keep our fucking ball off his fucking grass. He also added in "you fucking kikes", but that's another blog topic for another day.
Now being a keep off my lawn guy doesn't necessarily have to do with the lawn. It's that type of behavior and attitude in any situation.
I first had this feeling about five years ago. It was a cold November day and I was on a train going downtown. Sitting next to me was a girl in her mid-20's. She was wearing a t-shirt and jeans. When she asked me if I knew the time, I snarkily told her "it's time to put on a winter coat."
I thought oh damn, I'm acting like an old parent but that wasn't it. I was acting like Irwin Karabush. Sigh!
Lately it's been getting worse. A couple of weeks ago I was at a neighborhood festival listening to some local band. Two girls walked past me and they had obviously been out in the sun. Their faces and back looked very red...newly sunburned. I took a couple of steps towards them to lecture them about wearing hats and using sunscreen. But I stopped because my brain said...DON'T BE THAT GUY! I know it's good advice but getting in the face of strangers just makes you one of those guys, doesn't it? I'm right, aren't I?
Last weekend I was at it again. Same topic, different person. My fellow blogger and friend Tara mentioned she was going to get some color on her vampire skin. My response was it's the vampire skin that keeps you healthy followed by #fuckmelanoma. I know I'm right about this but being right and being a wank aren't mutually exclusive.
So what am I going to do about this crap? I'm not sure. I'm old. I'm getting set in my ways. Wait....I think I have an idea. If anyone of you reading this have young children, send them over to play. There isn't much grass around here but what there is, they're welcome to it. What the Hell, bring the dogs, too. If they want to run into the street, that's okay with me...no problem. I promise I won't stick my head out the window and yell at anyone.
But please....please...PLEASE...don't call me Irwin.
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