How to get in and out of a hospital emergency room in less than two hours without even trying
Happy Monday. How was your weekend? Mine was pretty good, sorta.
Friday, I had a long lunch with a friend followed by the Bob Dylan/Mavis Staples concert. Saturday was breakfast out followed by college football, the World Series, some groin pain and early to bed. Sunday was Meet The Press, a short trip to the Emergency Room, some football, Norco/nap and the World Series. So just a regular weekend in the city.
Oh yeah...about that short trip to the E.R. I'm guessing the photo of the kidney stone might have given you a clue. Sure, it's painful but I have some drugs so it's not that bad this time. Yeah, I said this time because I've been down this unpaved stone road before....ummm....six times before. I know I'll pass them, hopefully sooner than later, and it'll be fine. But that's not the point of this post. I'm getting to that now.
Pro Tip: How to go to the Emergency Room and spend less than two hours there before getting released.
Yep, you read that correctly. Surprised me, too!
The discomfort started on Friday. Just some lower tummy stuff but I figured it might be the hot dog/fries from Friday's lunch. On Saturday night the discomfort headed a little lower. When it felt like there was an elephant walking on my bladder, I thought it might be stones but there wasn't the lovely back/kidney pain that comes along with this great disease. Plus, it was happening at around 11pm and here's where that pro tip starts, never, ever go to the E.R. on a Saturday night if you can avoid it.
Here's the pecking order for Saturday night ER admissions: Gun shot victim, drug overdoses, heart attacks, children with a cold, kidney stones. You show up at 11pm and leave at noon on Sunday.
Besides, going to the hospital for discomfort is kind of wussy so I went to sleep. But when I woke up with pain in my back, I knew I was heading to the E.R. The only question was when because I wanted to make sure the gun shot peeps were released. So I took a shower. watched a little Meet The Press, found out nobody was arrested or impeached yet and decided it was hospital go time. I walked out the door at 9:45 and arrived at Thorek Hospital at 10:00.
The only people in the waiting room were me and the security guard. No guns, no defibrillators, no gurneys, no kids.
After checking in, it took less than five minutes before a nurse called my name. We headed to the examining room and we had our choice of any of them because I was their only patient. Yep, just me and my kidney stone. It took another five minutes for her to take my vitals and five minutes after that I saw their ER Doctor. Ten minutes after that, I was headed to X-ray. Followed by a urinalysis and some blood work. We're forty-five minutes in and all that's left is waiting for the results. Unheard of, right?
I'm grabbing a quick nap when they wake me up. The results are back.
"You have kidney stones. One on the left and one on the right. Here's the release papers, here's a script for some opioids, drink water, call your doctor tomorrow and go home."
The time is 11:45. One hour and forty-five minutes from start to finish. I was home in time to have the Bears put to me sleep with their boring play without taking a pill.
So, what have we learned that I can pass on to you, my readers? a. Stay hydrated and you can avoid all of this. b. SUNDAY!!!! not Friday, not Monday, and never Saturday is the day for going to beautiful Thorek Memorial Hospital and their emergency room.
I hope you're all now informed and entertained. You're welcome!
Related Post: Like a rolling kidney stone
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