Hypochondria is the real sign of the aging apocalypse
Aging ain't easy.
It's shocking when you realize that you can't do the things in your sixties that you did in your twenties. I'm not sure why that is. It's not like you didn't realize this when you were in your forties and fifties. If we're being truthful here, you started going downhill in your thirties.
Here's an example of this...I was watching the NFL combine a couple of years ago. It's a week-long event where the NFL has tests and exercises for college athletes who are looking to be drafted into the league. One thing almost everyone does is the forty yard dash. An offensive lineman was timed in seven-plus seconds. That's slow...really slow. I told a friend that even I, at age sixty-five, could beat that. He just laughed at me. After thinking about this, I realized I probably definitely couldn't do it. Hell, I'm not sure I can even run forty yards. I'd like to think so, but I really don't know.
Recently, one of my writing colleagues shared this article called "Seven Signs of the Aging Apocalypse." It talks about seven things that happens which shows you are getting older old. They range from noticing birds to being obsessed with avoiding traffic.
One that I can really relate to is not knowing who the current celebrities are. I watch the Grammy's every year and always wonder who is that artist/band? A few years ago, my daughter sent me a text that she was flying from Chicago to Los Angeles with Calvin Harris. I had no idea he was one of the biggest stars in the world of music. I thought it was nice that she was spending four hours with a friend. Good thing I didn't text her that. I admit I almost did.
All these are well and good...and true. But there is one thing that really shows you've aged. It's thinking that every ache and pain you have...and at age sixty-plus there are a lot of them...is terminal. Advanced hypochondria. Yeah, this really is a thing. Let me give you a recent example:
A few months ago, I started getting muscle spasms/cramps. They were in all parts of my body. Calves, thighs, fingers, neck and feet. Nothing major, but it was uncomfortable. Off to my doctor's office. She said she'll run some tests but most likely I was dehydrated and needed to drink more water. A couple of days later the test results came back. Her nurse called me and left this voice mail:
Hi Mr. Moore. I'm calling about your test results. Everything looks very good except for the one about your nuclear anti-bodies. That came back slightly elevated. We want you to see a rheumatologist and also make sure you keep hydrated. Once again, everything is good except for that one thing.
Nothing too ominous, right? Here's what I heard. Five words! "Mr. Moore, you have terminal cancer.
I rushed over to my doctor's office to have a face to face chat with the nurse. I'm sitting in the waiting room and thinking about how ridiculous this was because: a. Doctors aren't telling you about a terminal diagnosis by voice mail. b. If they are, they aren't having their nurse do the dirty work. c. Rheumatologists deal with auto-immune diseases. That's not cancer.
Phew! All good...until I started thinking about all the possible auto-immune diseases. OY!
The good news is it really was just dehydration. Drink more water and add some electrolytes. Gatorade. Everything is fine...at least until the next time...and there will be a next time. In the last couple of years, I've thought a small swallowing problem was esophageal cancer and a charley horse was advanced heart disease. I can't wait to see what's next!
Hmmm....I think I'll go outside and look for some birds.
Related Post: My heart doctor is a hypochondriac
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