Santa gave me a kidney stone for Christmas

It was June 11, 2022. I was awakened on my 70th birthday with these words:

“Happy Birthday. I’m here to take your vitals.”

I had been admitted to the hospital earlier that day after having a kidney stone attack. It wasn’t my first time with these supposedly tiny things, but this one was so huge that they felt the need to do a procedure to put in a stent and then keep me overnight for observation. It was quite the way to celebrate a personal milestone event.

That was my latest kidney stone event—keyword WAS.

On Tuesday, I woke up with a shooting pain on my left side. It wasn’t too bad but I knew what was occurring. My response was “Fuck!! I have another kidney stone.” The pain went away, but it was only a tease. When it returned, I knew I was headed to the ER.

Once I got there, it was a good news-bad news situation. The good news was I was the only one waiting. It was shocking because the last time I was there, it was a ten-hour wait—you read that correctly—ten hours. The bad news is the pain returned. But more good news is they gave me an intravenous painkiller that kicked in within seconds.

A CT Scan confirmed my expert diagnosis of a kidney stone. The doctor said it was small and should pass on its own. When I asked for a time frame, he said it could be today or it could be in a couple of weeks. Btw, it wasn’t today—thanks, Doc.

As I’m writing this, it’s Christmas Day in the afternoon. The kidney stone is still there. And more good news—I think I have one on the right side, too. Can you have stones on both sides at the same time? Google says sure, why not. Thanks, Santa—thank you so much. I haven’t been that bad this year, have I?

More good news—Hanukkah is now here. Instead of Santa and only one day, we now have Judah Maccabee and he has eight days to work his magic. Hey, if they can get a tiny bit of oil to last eight days, what’s a tiny kidney stone or two? Seems like it should be a breeze.

Okay, folks, I’m heading off to light our Menorah. Do any of you know the prayer that might help get rid of a kidney stone? Thanks in advance.