Sex, drugs, and kidney stones
It was a few days before Christmas. Santa had left me a lovely present—a 4mm kidney stone. It was painful for a few days, but then I passed it. But what the dude with the white beard and his doctor friends didn’t tell me was that there was another, larger one that was left behind.
I found out about the second stone about a month ago. I had an attack in the middle of the night that sent me to the emergency room for a few hours. When the pain subsided, due to some intense morphine, they sent me home with this advice: “Keep ahead of the pain with meds, drink lots of fluids and talk with your urologist.” It took a couple of weeks, but I finally got an appointment to see her.
Surprisingly, I have always liked seeing this urologist. She’s young, pretty, smart, funny and quirky. She talks to you like you would talk to your friends. Our visits are fun, unless you’re in extreme pain. It led to this somewhat bizarre conversation:
Dr. S. When are you in pain? H: When I bend. Dr. S.: Makes sense. Anytime else. H:(kind of sheepishly) When I have sex. Dr. S.: That also makes sense, but there are studies that say sex is good for kidney stones. There’s a good chance the stone will come out when you do. H: Funny, but how do you find it—I don’t want to know. Anything else? Dr. S. I’ll give you a prescription for some pain meds, but if you use marijuana, it works just as well, if not better. Plus, it’s not addictive. Fewer side effects. H: Wow..just like in college!!
Seriously, where was this woman when I was in college?
That brings us to Monday night. I was in intense pain on my left side. Normally, I can tough it out with a Tylenol or a Motrin, but not this time. I needed to bring out the big guns. And since we don’t have any weed in the house, I took an OxyContin. It’s okay—we have a prescription for it. No need to alert the authorities.
When I woke up the next morning, I was still in pain. I knew I was going to make another trip to the ER. What I didn’t know was that it would be an all-day visit.
It started okay. They gave me something to ease the pain. Then I waited—and waited—and waited some more. A few hours later, I was sent to get a CT Scan. A sign on the wall lets you know the estimated time to get test results. For scans, it says 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Sigh.
Back to the waiting room—again.
So let’s cut to the chase:
Eventually, they put me in an exam room to give me the results:
ER Doctor: Mr.Moore, your scan shows everything is fine. The kidney stone is gone. Confused patient: What do you mean it’s gone? Where did it go? I’ve been peeing into a strainer for a month and haven’t seen anything! ER Doc: Sometimes it just breaks up inside you and you pee out microscopic particles. I know you don’t get the satisfaction of seeing it come out, but be happy it’s gone. And make another appointment to talk about this with your urologist.
Sigh! I don’t get the fascination my doctors have with kidney stones reaching orgasm, but maybe this one just faked it. Now, I have another appointment with my favorite doctor in June. I can only imagine what she’ll have to say—— and how she’ll phrase this.
So here’s the conclusion to this story;
No sex! No drugs! No kidney stones. Wow—I’m back in high school again.