Top 10 Rules for Riding the CTA
One of our blog leaders, Julie DiCaro, wrote about riding Metra yesterday. She apparently had an incident with an attorney. Riding Metra is a breeze compared to riding the CTA, bus or train. So in response, here are the Top 10 things you need to know if you are going to be successful in riding on CTA. Let's start with the simple rules....
1. OUT BEFORE IN- This is like an elevator. You let the people get out before you get in. Seems pretty simple, doesn't it? Then why don't people do it?
2. GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS BEFORE CHECKING YOUR PHONE- Is there anything so important that it can't wait until you get to the bottom of the stairs? I know you need to check for the latest Tweet or who has commented on your Facebook status, but don't hold everyone up while you do this. Besides, it's dangerous!!
3. IF YOU HAVE LUGGAGE OR A BACKPACK, BE CAREFUL!!!- I realize you need to bring your suitcase if you're catching a plane, but try not to block the aisle with it. Plus, when the train/bus is jammed, you don't get to use the seat next to you. Also, having suitcases doesn't mean you get to use Handicapped seats. More on this coming up. If you have a backpack (raising hand), make sure it doesn't swing around and hit other riders.
4. HANDICAPPED SEATING IS FOR HANDICAPPED PEOPLE- If no one is is sitting there, then it's fine to take the seat. But if a handicapped person or senior citizen arrives, move your ass and let them sit down. BTW...if you have luggage you don't move up in the pecking order (see rule #3). If you have a stroller with a baby or two, you also don't move ahead in the pecking order. If you have a stroller filled with groceries and you're taking the seat, the next time you'll move up in the pecking order is for a seat in Hell.
5. DON'T BLOCK THE AISLE WITH YOUR STROLLER- Have you noticed how much bigger and hi-tech strollers have become? They are huge, look like space ships and can hold a bunch of kids and all the crap you need when you're out on the town with multiple babies. But move them to the side of the bus/train so people can walk past you.
6. IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO DRINK AT A CUB GAME AND ARE TAKING THE TRAIN HOME- Or more likely to another drinking establishment, please wait til there's a stop. Exit the train. Then you can throw up. Surprisingly, in more than 40 years of riding the train to ballgames, I've only seen one person throw up on the train. I've never seen people move so fast in my life!!
7. IF YOU HEAR VOICES IN YOUR HEAD AND FEEL A NEED TO SHARE- a.) Yell as loud as you can so everyone can hear!! b.) Try to limit your rant to one or two "motherfuckers" between each stop.
8. IF YOU FEEL A NEED TO MAKE OR TAKE A PHONE CALL- be sure to talk about the most personal things in your life because....a.) we all want to hear how your boss is doing you wrong. b.) we all want to hear about how your baby daddy/mama is doing you wrong. c.) we all want to hear about your sex life....good or bad!!!
9. ( talking about sex) IF YOU FEEL A NEED TO HAVE SEX ON THE TRAIN- Can you please put your used condoms in a garbage can instead of leaving them at the bottom of the stairs!! I still don't get why having "safe sex" is so important when the act is so risky.And talking about risky...the only people that should be having sex on a train are Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay....and that was 30 years ago.
10. FINALLY....IF YOU FEEL A NEED TO DO DRUGS ON THE TRAIN- a.) try to be somewhat subtle about it. Coke on a magazine, on you lap, where everyone can see it, probably not a good idea. b.) if you're smoking a joint, please share. It's bad etiquette and bad karma!!
So now you know how to navigate trips on both Metra and CTA. And if you're reading this now, GET MOVING...YOU'RE LATE!!!